I’ve been reading through my old vent posts, I don’t even know why, they’re bringing up all the feelings and self hatred that I don’t fucking need right now, I can’t sleep though I drank coffee a little while ago and it’s already 1am, I have an exam in 13 hours, I think I’ll do fine in it, but I’m scared that maybe I didn’t study enough and I’m gonna fail regardless of how much I revise

I made plans with a friend for like the middle of June, they saw a reel on Instagram where these two women played a game on book stores and said we should play it too, it sounds pretty fun but I’m honestly just scared of hangouts with my friends, they’re such an incredible person too, idk why they want to be friends with me

I think I should delete my Pinterest account, I have a whole board of pins of women styling clothes or wearing pretty outfits just so I can look at them to make myself feel worse, I’m so gross, I have no idea why I like putting myself down like this, but I think I just need to keep reminding myself that I’m always going to be a poor imitation of a woman yk, I shouldn’t let my ego get too high

I saw a video of a girl showing off her prom dress too earlier today, it reminded me of a time I went with a friend to a thrift store that had some matric dance dresses too, she also homeschools but she has a boyfriend in school and she’s obviously going with him to his matric dance so yk she looked through the dresses and mentioned that she doesn’t want to go alone and wanted to invite me to go with, I know she meant well, she isn’t a malicious person but good god that stung me so much, like yeah, “invite the ugly asocial tranny to a matric dance, make sure to ask its opinion on some of the dresses too, but don’t take it seriously because yk it can’t ever wear a dress, and make sure it hears you and your similarly beautiful friend talk about dresses for 15 fucking minutes” I know I’m making up a thought that probably didn’t happen but it doesn’t help because I’m always going to be a terrible friend and have trouble trusting my friends, every single one of them gets to be beautiful, every one of their friends are beautiful, and then there’s the tranny friend

I fucking wish I could’ve had a matric dance, I don’t like being in public, but maybe the real me would’ve enjoyed it if she actually got to exist, the girl version of me gets to go to her graduation dance, she gets to date women without being a predatory freak, she gets to feel loved and not feel guilty because of it, she gets to live a normal woman’s life and won’t have to take chronic medicationd just to feel kind of normal, maybe if I like crack my skull open she could come out and enjoy her own life

I’m sorry for all this stupid rambling, I just need to keep my mind off of trying to rip my flesh off