I woke up this morning and I thought about taking my life. I don’t mean like “oh I’m ngmi I should kms” I mean like I wanted to get in my car, drive to the highest bridge in my city, and jump. I truly wished and desired to kill myself and had a method and ability and everything.

I woke up this morning and saw my genuine fear, distress and anxiety about my results of the dissociation screener test described as taking things too seriously, as a freak out, as another tranny crashing and burning. That’s genuinely hurtful, and I would expect better, if anyone should understand and be able to show some fucking empathy and compassion it should be you.

I woke up this morning and thought about my karma, that I would be continuing samsara, that I once again failed to extinguish attachment and desire for impermanent things, that I did not gain true insight into the truth of the non-self. In short, my relationship to Buddhism has become dukkha, I use it as another tool of self harm, I don’t know when it twisted like this but it is imperative I amend this error, I shouldn’t be allowing unwholesome states to manifest let alone using Buddhism itself to intentionally generate them.

I woke up this morning and I regret the person I’ve become, I don’t believe I’m myself anymore, the person I should be, the person I was, the person I once again aspire to be. I wish you all could have met the real me, the best version of me, perhaps I could have made more friends, stronger friendships here. However, I don’t think it’s possible, I think this place is a primary driver in my degeneration as a person. I’m sorry you all had to meet this flawed shell of myself.

I wish each and every one of you the best, no matter who you are I wish you the best, even if Honlarperlarper is somehow reading this on an alt or a screenshot DM’d to her or whatever, I wish her the best too. I hope you all find and achieve what you are looking for in this life.

If I post again it will be to give an update on ShiftWestern9559 if she can’t do it herself, I hope it doesn’t come to that.

I woke up this morning, まだまだです。

Signed, FutileTransition1984, “ShiftWestern9559’s gf”, Lilian.