all this talk i’ve been giving myself about ever adulting and getting a job is utter delusion.
at best i can probably hope to be some subpar unskilled stay-at-home boiwife thing that picks up trash here and there and does the laundry sometimes and throws tatertots in the oven when the wxfey gets home, which is something, yes, but i will always be a dependent and a responsibility, i know this in my heart, and by getting her to love me idve effectively trapped her with dead weight, so if i wanted to be moral about it i should just breakup with her.
i dont want to believe it but i know it to be true… who was i ever kidding?
actual delusions.
talking like i don’t know myself.
idiot.
fucking retard.
doomed to trip at the starting line every time.
i wasnt made for this world, i just was not.
i feel sorry about people in my life who’ve felt optimistic about seeing me “get better” when it was just me uncritically huffing hopium.
im never promising anything besides not being able to promise anything again.
unreliable mfer.
don’t even want to finish this semester, its not like a good grade would be going towards anything.
why do I want A’s?!??!
probs so when i graduate and get no job from it i can say i “did everything right” even tho that wouldnt be true as i’dve done no networking or interning or anything besides just show up and turn in my assignments so i can have pieces of paper that says i knew stuff other people told me to learn that will never translate into being able to pull myself out of my head and interface with the real-world.
everybody else seems like a meatspace native compared to me, they live so out of their head, it’s bewildering
Yeah zone. I used to dream about getting a partner and a job, until I realized I’m disabled and need a caretaker instead of a partner, because I won’t even be able to be a good housewife. 🫂
my dream is to essentially to be a housewife but it’s not like its an especially economically viable lifestyle anymore… or like it makes much sense anymore if ur not having kids for that matter or being exceptionally productive in homemaking and making the SO’s home experience exceptionally pleasant… i’m supposed to be moving in with the gf soonish but i’m really having second thoughts… she seems to love me but nobody deserves their SO to also be their child… so maybe i need to convince her that i am actually far less worth the time than she seems to acknowledge… love can be evil in that way… just telling myself that she loves me and letting her take care of me when it almost inevitably comes to that just feels like taking advantage, as a part of me knows she’d probably be willing up to a point, so i tried to allude to being able to get better to spare her the misery of me… i thought it was possible… wiser now… FUCK
