I always hoped and dreamed I’d die soon—every moment of every year, ever since I was forced through the wrong puberty.

For someone who made so many suicide attempts over just 5 years, it feels weird that I’m somehow still alive. I was so, so, so sure I’d die before I reach adulthood, but despite my desperate wishes and best effort I somehow never succeeded. Since I only turn twenty in a bit, atleast I still have the chance to try to die while I’m technically still a teenager? Even if I can never have any of my other dreams realised, I still have the chance to make this one true; before I’m forced to acknowledge that the girl inside me who so desperately yearned to be happy and actually live already died the moment testosterone started coursing through my veins.

If I can’t be me in life, maybe I can still hope that I still have a chance in death, even if I’ll only be remembered by and buried under a male name…

I honestly can’t wait to finally die.

I actually feel so excited