I’m legitimately afraid that I might get some kind of reverse dysphoria if I start growing breasts and I don’t know why. I think this is part of the reason I repped as a teenager, I was afraid of growing boobs. Something about that just felt…wrong. Especially now that I’m a midshit with a barrel chest any growth I get is going to look ugly as sin. But I guess the upside of being a midshit also is that I won’t ever get any chest growth.

I think what it is for me is that my body is male and so I would feel like having female breasts on a male body is wrong. But if I was a cis woman I don’t think I’d really care at all. What I always cared about more was hip growth because that felt like it was a greater signifier of overall body shape in terms of femininity. Flat with wide hips is more plausibly woman than big boobs on a brick build. Or maybe it’s just AGP and I want a fat ass because that’s more attractive to me than boobs. I don’t know. I would be perfectly fine with small boobs. But having big boobs would feel weird and also really inconvenient.

Sometimes I genuinely wonder maybe I just want to be a femboy? Like not in terms of aesthetics but in terms of body type. Or at least the idealized version of the femboy body type. But that also doesn’t make any sense because I want a vagina. So I don’t know what my problem is.

I think I am genuinely non-binary to some extent and I’d be non-binary even if I was AFAB, just in a different way. I don’t really want to call myself “transfem” or use “she/they pronouns” though because that just makes me feel sneedy and also not really reflective of how I feel. I’ve thought about maybe rawdogging full they/them pronouns but I still don’t know about that.

Personally I just hate gender. I hate how limiting it is and I hate how it just forces everything into boxes. I hate that being in 4tran spaces made me OCD about me being too “malebrained/transbrained” like I even give a shit. Fuck you, I like weird niche experimental anime. Sue me. I feel like I try and not even think of myself as a “woman” and just think about how I want my body to look, detached from any sort of notions of gender. But then also I think I do desire womanhood as a form of self-actualization because I see it as the ultimate liberation from the insane repression that I’ve been in my entire life.

I’m just fucking rambling. Sorry. Anybody else relate? I know Contra is an (alex jones voice) liberal but her quote about not feeling like a man or a woman but just feeling like shit is exactly how I feel.