It feels like I’m kept alive to from time to time help or guru others but never be happy or satisfied myself and just constantly suffer.

I literally don’t think I’m allowed to be happy or have good things. Its like clockwork if I look into or try something its always worse than expected and I’m not allowed to be pleasantly surprised. If I fear something it essentially just physically manifests to be true like I’m creating a tulpa in the universe, but the reverse where what I want manifests can’t and doesn’t happen.

I am very convinced I am cursed. There is an uncomfortable amount of common to extremely rare unlucky things I rolled into all combined into one person that its literally probably mathematically more probable for something supernatural to be going on. Like just…my combination of circumstances and genetics could be 90% more livable if one of any 900 different things rolled positive instead of negative but they didn’t.

It’s tiresome how hated by the universe I feel on a daily basis. The devolving from the sweet kid I once was and remember being to the schizo doomer of today. She didn’t know shit about what was ahead of her, that kid. Probably more optimistic than most honestly once upon a time…