but ive hit a complete dead end in transition and now the thought keeps popping into my head even though i know the entire concept is ridiculous and all id be doing is giving people another reason to treat me worse based on appearances why the fuck is this happening
think its the mess, be found dead in some gorey mess, unnatural death or something. to mildly tug on the heartstrings of people who dont actually give a shit about me and just get squeamish around blood. to know im causing some kind of kneejerk reaction out of somebody because everything feels so numb currently and its clawing and clawing and clawing away
i feel close to losing it but also maybe im not there yet
nothing im thinking of makes any sense to me anymore all i can feel is the nails on the chalkboard like pressure in my head and it doesnt go away with stims or depressants and only gets worse when i feel tired from taking both em