we have been going back on forth talking about my anxiety and general lifelessness for two days. which consists of me repeatedly telling her I dont know the reasons for (I really dont , I dont think transsexuality the only reason) while she pesters the same topic.

She has been kind of pressing me now that I think about in retrospect , about what im hiding from her. which she thinks thats the source of my depression , executive dysfunction , “not hanging on to life” by her words.

some time after our arguments she asks me if I want her to clean my bag , where I keep my hrt. I say something like “maybe later” to not arise suspicion. she insists way more than usual. I get mad because of her not trusting me (which was a bad idea looking back at it but she knew before this too so)

I empty my bag out of hrt secretly and hand over my bag to my mom so maybe in time she forgets this even though she most likely knows I cleaned out anything important before hand.

She slowly starts the same argument we have been having about me. during this she specifically pokes my chest , asks me to take my top off to see if im hiding anything. she gets more suspicious when i refuse.

eventually she gets tired i think so she tells me that she knows im hiding something. i ask her what it is because i believed she had no idea. she basically says that she thinks im a tranny , or having problems with my sex if you wanna be actual.

I deny completely until she says the names of the otc hrt I been using. I still deny but ask her where she got that information from. she doesnt say. we talk back and forth a bit until I give up. I tell her everything. She tells me about this tranny customer she met in work. I guess thats where she got the info. I told her I kinda knew at this young age. She got saddened that I didnt say it at that age. I told her there is no way they would help at the time and even if they did the official way is deathly slow anyway.

its been a few days now. She is alright but wants me to start the official procedure. I told her its very slow , unreliable and I dont want to get tagged as a tranny now anyway. She still wants me to heavily consider it atleast.

Im grateful. Im sorry if I dont seem that way , I trully am. Its just. if she werent supportive. it would have been over , at the very least I would have had to fight my family for my right to transition. I failed to hide it well. maybe I got too relaxed maybe Im a shit liar I dont know I dont know but I failed. I got lucky , I got off lucky. I just feel like a failure all around. I dont deserve this. I wish I could give it to someone else who needs it. what im writing is insane , its disgusting. Just a fucking vile way of begging sympathies , for what? even me acknowledging is a part of it. putrid.

I will try to never mention this anywhere again. Im posting here to process whatever the hell this is and I guess for attention. Im sorry