Sunlight, to moonlight, to sunlight again. The days flit on by, peeking through the window cracks. Each adding to the list of tasks to complete. To clean my room, bathroom, to do laundry, and to do dishes. Except I don’t. Laundry and trash litter my floor. Dishes piled high on the desk, crowding it to the point of no use. Even my bed has books and medicines strewn about. Each day also brings with it the need for food, water, and to clean the self. For the most part there, I do the bare minimum. I do shower and keep myself clean. I barely eat however. Sometimes I starve myself because I’m too scared to leave the house for groceries. I only get water when I’m so thirsty I can hardly stand it anymore.

The fear of everything has gotten to me. Everything that could possibly go wrong. A wreck, a shooting, dropping dead out of nowhere. My worst fear of all is people. All of the bustle and noise, talking, how many of them there are. Especially a confrontation purely because of who I am as a trans woman. I try hiding that too out of fear. With every look I get from another I’m afraid they see right through me, and are judging me, or worse, they want to hurt me. Realistically, they aren’t thinking that. My thoughts cannot help but run wild down that path however.

Sometimes I can operate. On my absolute best days I can go out without a care in the world. Or I finally turn my attention to my room and make a cursory effort to clean up as best I can. But those good moments never stay. A week or two at most. Then it’s right back to where I was before. Barely able to get out of bed.

I want so desperately to be able to crawl out of this hole. To be a functioning person again. I know I alone have the power to remove my shackles but my mind simply won’t let me. An invisible weight pulls me down. Sleep paralysis. A waking nightmare of my own creation. Every choice I’ve made so far has led me here, broken down with so much more of the race to go. But now I spend it trapped in my room, and trapped in my mind. God help me.