Hey all, 24/“F”/Earth, long time lurker (of the subreddits), first time poster! Some fun facts about me are that it’s over for me and it’s my fault.

I hate that this is my body and life forever. I am constantly daydreaming about how it could have been otherwise. Cause I had a pretty good chance. Was born at a pretty good time and place in history. Had a close IRL friend come out to me as trans when I was 13 and had a LOT of trans friends online at 15 talking about HRT so I knew a bit about it. Both my parents are atheists and have been supportive. Once, my mother actually told me abruptly and earnestly, in the middle of me saying transphobic shit, that she would be supportive if I wanted to transition (although she didn’t take it great when I actually did come out, lol, but she got with the program after a while)… and apparently one of my internet friends told me they thought I was trans, I don’t remember this at all, but after I came out, my mother told me that I told her at the time. But I did nothing and told no one and I was pretty transphobic and scared of HRT (I fucking thought I was a bad friend for not trying to talk my friends out of taking HRT LMAO) and now I’m living my karmic retribution forever. OTOH, even if that’s all a fairly charmed life for a tranny, I still failed the fucking coin flip to be a cis woman and have none of this be a problem in the first place.

I am also kind of faketrans, not that I really give a shit about that, in that I didn’t think about sex-gender every day (or anywhere near) until I was 19 (long after it was over), and I think I could have just dismissed the thought and remained a cismoid. It didn’t start hurting until after I started HRT at 20. So sometimes I wonder what my life would be like and whether I should have done that. I wasn’t happy but I’m not happy now. I guess it was always going to become a problem at some point. But anyway, when I obsess over what might have been, it’s mostly what if I trooned younger, not repped harder, because I want to be a woman not a man, lol.

Most people seem to just see a man when they look at me and it still hurts. I am extremely tall and honestly I kinda like it, I wouldn’t mind looking like a WNBA player, but accompanied by everything else it’s not helping. Beyond that, I don’t know many measurements and don’t even know what a lot of the “brainworms” terminology means, yet somehow that does not stop me from hating my fucking skull and shoulders and chest and… So I’m basically another cookie cutter hon writing the same post we have already read countless times, except that I deserve the pain somewhat more. I hurt about this often and what can I do? I have talked to my friends about it but it’s futile, there is nothing they can say, and we already know how the conversation goes so I don’t have it in me to do it again. So now I’ll try posting here. Oh and I guess there’s moving on and trying to make the most of the rest of my life but I’m really fucking sick of that.