i wish i had done more

i wish i hadn’t spent so much time on video games i didn’t know if i enjoyed or not

i wish i hadn’t spent so much time on random youtube videos that i would never remember ever again

i wish i had done more as a teen, instead of staying inside playing video games

i wish i had thought about my gender more, since i clearly hated having this thing between my legs

i wish i started using pinterest or instagram and starting stupid images and videos, instead of playing stupid video games

i wish i did more to record my life, instead of keeping it all to myself and my journal

i wish i had the courage to research hrt at 17, instead of looking at dumb agp nonsense

now here i am at 23, and i’m completely and utterly lost

now here i am at 23, and my room looks like its supposed to be for a 13 year old with all the decorations on the walls and plushies i sleep with

now here i am at 23, 1yr hrt instead of 6yrs

now here i am at 23, wishing i had done more

now here i am at 23, feeling like an imposter of an appearance, feeling like a self-infantilizing freak simply because i want to do the things i missed out on as a teen

now here i am at 23, having nothing to look forward to in life

i don’t want to go on one more year

i don’t want to wake up to my life anymore

i don’t want to be tortured by the potential past anymore