Life prospects are objectively looking up for me rn. Things are moving along and I’ll have more independence soon, my NEET just ended as I’m back in school with a late-start class, etc. And yet I’m as depressed as I’d be if the love of my life died in my hands or if some other similarly catastrophic shit happened, which is a feeling that in no ways correlates with anything that’s actually going on with me or the way I felt about my lifes developments just a short while ago.

There is nothing about my feelings that correlate to the trajectory of my life whatsoever, like objectively speaking, I should only be getting progressively more optimistic, but instead I can’t do any of my work and I just mope around all day while passively thinking about just how compassionate the universe would be if it sent a heart attack my way or if I found out I had late-stage cancer tomorrow. This is objectively the best I’ve been doing in a long time, and the most devastated I’ve felt in even longer, and I’ve only made myself fully self-aware of this mis-match a few moments ago when I realized severe depression was actually re-writing my memories of the last few months to give me more things to be miserable about after somebody I was talking to corrected me on some details of my recall… it’s actually so retarded and borderline psychotic the way I’m thinking rn and I’m just now realizing just how bad it’s gotten, this is very serious. I’m clearly not okay but I by all accounts should be. Where did all the color in my life go?