cross-posted from: https://tranistan.com/post/25808

guilty, guilty,guilty, guilty as i am charged.

it was yesterday i saw him again. on some old home video, recently uncovered, and shown off to the family. curiously, of all the faces i have known, i still remember his the best. the face in my memory when i hear his name, smiling out at me…

im sorry if today’s message is somewhat disjointed. its understandable, isnt it? for a confession of murder?

as i say, i saw his face. it was hard to know what to say or how to feel. especially surrounded by others, who did not know, the weight of my crime. “that boy is dead” i longed to say. shouldve said. have said before. but my teeth remained clenched and my throat remained silent. it would do no good after all. theyve heard this obituary before, and for it they signed the death certificate.

oh yes i killed him. and i did not make it quick or merciful. i took him through long years of torture, i took his joyful smile and made it a hollow imitation, i cut away at his soul till he was capable of nothing, wanted nothing, lived for nothing and then i did not even grant him release , though he begged every night for it to end. and worst of all, i took his body and his face and i mutilated them, infested them, cursed them, until he could not recognise that which stood in the mirror and grinned like a fleshless corpse.

but in the end, yes, he did die. not as he wanted it. not the final rest of sleep, of a quiet and gentle fall up to the studded night sky. but he died , is dead, and will not rise again

he breathes still, you see.

slowly. painfully. knotted nails embedded in his chest and lungs. but oh yes , hes still breathing, a dead man deluded, ever more cursed and tortured by my continued violence against every facet of his existence. i ruined his adolescence, his university life, his body, his family.

oh, poor child. im sorry. im sorry for doing to you, the worst thing ive ever done to anyone.

im sorry that i made you, grow up into me