all of it was a waste, i am not a troon. i am too masculine, all my family thinks i’m masculine, all my friends think i’m a retarded moid, i think i am a fucking male xy amab.

i cannot troon out because i am inherently a man, not because sex isn’t able to be changed, but because i am unable to change as a person. there is a cure to the body, but all the pills ive ever been on just make me want to kill myself more. AMAB socialization is real and i am it’s victim.

i’m terrified that people can just tell i was born to be a man. i know people are scared of my essence, they know i was once a man, and that man has never left me. i hate myself for what i was.

i used to do anything to keep my friends, since i didnt have much support from anywhere else, and was either too young or too stupid to find people who weren’t bigoted in some way near me. i dont think AMAB socialization is really real, but i think it’s like a cult. or at least that’s how i thought of it. i was never bigoted myself, but a lot of homophobia and transphobia were essentially normalized from when i figured out i was trans to when i got into highschool, being that i went to a much larger highschool.

in this, i hated myself for being trans, forced myself to act masculine and become male socialized, then now that i actually want to transition, i am an empty husk of a person who cannot properly maintain my friendships, family, etc. and i still hate myself for acting somewhat masculine sometimes in my mannerisms or word choices or typing styles. the masculinized part of me will never fucking leave me.

i hate it all. i fucking wish it was all over. there is no way to heal the scarring.