there will come the day when i finally get the right mixture of intoxicated, manic, suicidal, and brave enough and i will finally end my suffering. how could living be worth it in this body.

i struggle to explain this feeling, i will never be normal, my whole life will feel like a lie, ill never have the right genitals. my bones will never revert to what they should have been. my family will never see me as i wish for them to see me. my friends all left me. happiness is fleeting. i think it’ll stick whenever i find it but it goes away again just like it always does.

sometimes i think detransitioning and moving across the country would maybe be my best move. i’m never going to be happy being trans, it just can’t happen. i’ll never be a female. no matter how hard i cope and how much people tell me im a woman, it’s not real. it’s a fiction i’ve just chosen to believe because it calms me down. i wasn’t born right and i can’t go back and fix it. nothing will fix me. i don’t want to tear apart my body to feel normal even when i know i wont feel normal.