If you come across this post even several weeks after it was posted, I don’t care, as long as you have something to tell me I will gladly take it, that’s why I post it in this community. I grew more and more worried about my mental state for over a year now, It’s all so chaotic that I doubt I’ll be able to write it down in comprehensible way, but still I will try to summarise it somehow.

I started noticing that something is very wrong maybe seventeen months ago, I kept isolating myself from people, my trust towards others diminished, I became paranoid and scared. It was very hard time for me, that’s when I came out as trans to my inner circle while I was temporarily living with my family in The Hague. I started walking out late at night, talking with my boyfriend on the phone for hours, often talking to myself - I was acting very out of character at that time, even burnt my first journal, but that could be mostly explained by my aspie brain not handling living in foreign country and freaking out. During my few months in the Netherlands I experienced couple nights of bad paranoia while I was alone out in the city or fields around it, sometimes I had complete shift and started arguing with myself on my own - I brushed it off as exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

When I finally returned to home I felt much better, I was about to live out some happy time with my boyfriend. Except for some bad depressive episodes and days of complete dissociation I felt fine, but it started getting to me. Once I even was on a date with him when all of a sudden things went wrong, he started complaining about his problems and clearly needed support and I had complete mental shutdown, became unresponsive, acting like if he wasn’t there - still feeling bad about it. He clearly was mad at me, when I “came back” I started crying, he hugged me and I escorted him back home. On my way back I felt I was followed and looked for someone prowling in the forest - it happened couple times later.

After that it was downward spiral for me. I’ve realised that I’ve been living with breaks from consciousness, sometimes remembering certain things, sometimes forgetting them and remembering others, like if I just appeared inside of my own body. Fast forward couple depressive episodes and some lovely days, and we’ve reached time when me and my boyfriend broke up. It was without hatred, only some mutual disappointment, lots of crying, making promises to live good lives, and one final farewell kiss - two broken people sad for not being able to handle each other.

Another several months passed and were terrible. Sometimes I was forgetting I existed, sometimes I didn’t care about anything and doing my own things - not remembering what I even ate for breakfast that day, let alone what I was doing yesterday or last week. I’ve been consistently feeling alive only on long night walks, some meetings with friends, and while hiking - I could call these my moments of heightened consciousness when I can let my inner dialogue play out, recall most of my memories, and feel happy to make some new ones. Very often I cry because I realise that the moment I’m living in will soon become distant and indistinguishable from rest of the pulp in my head - so I take special care to keep them safe in journals. After that it’s always return to paranoia, apathy and dissociation. Often days just disappeared without me noticing.

What I’ve been doing in this time was mostly getting my gender dysphoria diagnosis, doing my injections, getting over losing my love, getting into tttt, returning to my friend who I left over a year before, and cutting some ends to start new chapter in life. Time has passed, my life has gotten stale, not worse, not better, just stable enough.

Only recently I noticed pattern and consulted my journals to better understand what’s happening. Yes, without journals I would be completely unaware of most of it - they help me collect pieces and keep memories from dying inside of my mind. I do some stuff, my thoughts disappear for several hours or even days, I’m back doing something else on autopilot, then I feel sudden surge of energy that pushes me out of my comfort zone so I go out on adventure, I spend several hours in some pretty places on reminiscing and thinking, then I daydream, disappear again, do something - rinse and repeat. All while having hard time remembering, planning and keeping track of time. It’s all spontaneous. Although I admit that most of this time I’m just vegetating unaware of my own existence outside of the moment.

The worst part of it was realising that I was this way for the most of my life - memories come back randomly, so distant and detached that I feel like if my life was lived by several only superficially similar people.

What happens in my head is also fun - sometimes I think intensely only to see my thoughts go far away out of my reach, become alien and then completely disappear. Sometimes I imagine things that are not part of my life and forget them instantly, sometimes I see someone else’s thought only to be “kicked out”. In worst case I have hard time telling reality from a dream, very often I don’t know if I did something, dreamed it or just imagined it. All of it combined together makes decision making and getting my life together incredibly hard because there are so few moments of full uninterrupted awareness and I don’t know them until they hit me.

I’m going to leave it here like that. I am helpless. It already contributed to me losing one who was supposed to be the love of my life, and to ignoring my dysphoria and need to transition ever since I was a teenager. As I type this I feel mostly neutral, but I’m sure it’ll get worse soon. (I’m reposting it after deleting it yesterday for some reason, luckily I had .txt file of this post saved)