i feel so alienated from public, i feel so alienated all the time. whenever one of my close friends brings up the fact that i’m trans all i feel is ashamed. i feel horrible for being this way, i feel like a liar, someone who doesn’t deserve friends in the first place. i feel ashamed to the point where i can barely work up the courage to really talk to anyone who knows im trans. i feel so disgusted with myself that the 2 or 3 pillars of support who saved my life, are the most challenging to face. i feel ashamed about my sexuality, i feel ashamed that i’m attracted to girls and i feel ashamed that estrogen developed my sex drive. i feel ashamed that i havent even been able to come out yet, i feel ashamed that i havent even told many people how suicidal i am, i feel ashamed about my body, i feel ashamed about my cuts along my legs and arms, i feel ashamed that people stare at me, i feel ashamed that i feel disconnected from the people around me, i feel ashamed that i have to decide between wearing a bra as a man or flashing people my nipples every morning, i feel ashamed that i was attracted to my childhood bestfriend throughout most of the last year despite the fact that he was the one who borderline sa’ed me, i feel ashamed that i have nobody else but the people on this website to listen to my burdens, i feel ashamed that i havent made any progress in my transition, i feel ashamed that i dont know makeup, i feel ashamed about how deep my voice sounds, i feel ashamed about how apathetic i am, i feel ashamed about how much i hate my own body.

i feel shame in the life i have lived. I have lived a life of cowardice and sadness. I have lived a life of inaction and no accountability. I have repressed my entire life.

I first figured out I was trans around 11-12. I didnt tell anyone, I planned to kill myself. I think i might’ve attempted but it failed. I came out to one of my friends around 14. She had to switch schools sometime after that, and we lost contact. We would occasionally reestablish our friendship, but I would always leave her because of how ashamed I was about being trans. We reestablished again recently, and i could not describe how sorry i am to her. I came out to my sister four years later at 18. I had been on hrt for over a year at that point, and i had a suicidal episode while she was on vacation from where she lived. since that point, she has saved my life multiple times from suicide, whether she knows it or not. it was a dark time.

i feel ashamed. i feel sorry towards both of these people, but they don’t see me as someone who needs to be forgiven. I didnt want to come out of my shell just to show everyone how broken I truly am. I didn’t want that to be the person that they know. I don’t want them to panic everytime a text comes through, i don’t want to drain them of emotion because of how unstable I am.

I feel ashamed. I have not made much progress in my transition even with their support. In fact, i have not made any progress on my transition since i started hrt. hrt was my lifeline in this world, but i’m just barely hanging on. I dont even know if I have the willpower to continue with transitioning, when I havent gotten the greatest results from hrt and havent even really committed to transitioning.

I don’t want to live. I never have. I don’t think i can do this for very much longer.

happy trans day of visibility everyone.