I’m not a woman. I’m never going to be a woman. And yet I still try and become one. Despite the fact that holding onto this unattainable fantasy does nothing but bring me further pain. I know that the only way to be at peace is to just accept that there are some things in life that I just will not be able to achieve. That’s what most people have to get over, right? That just because they want to do something in life doesn’t mean that they’ll get it. Because we’re not in control of our own destinies. Sometimes things just happen and life has other plans. For me, that other plan is being born male and subsequently repressing throughout my entire adolescence. Why can’t I just learn to deal with it? Sure, it’s not ideal, but trying to change it just makes things worse because I’m suffering and suffering by fighting an unwinnable battle. Why can’t I just give up? Why do I have to feel this naive hope of a better future? Because that doesn’t exist. I’m a doomed person. People like me don’t get to be happy. I was destined for failure the moment I was put onto this earth. Giving up would do nothing but bring me relief. So much stress would be offloaded from my back. How do I do that? How do I give up? How do I kill the hope inside of me? How do I kill the desire for happiness? How can I destroy my soul once again just as I did as a child? If i were able to do that, I would finally be at peace.