Trigger warning for talk of SA

Sorry if this isn’t really the place for this but I consider you guys my community and I’d like to go to my community when I’m in pain, so— The memories come and go over the course of years. When I can remember it I have flashbacks and dissociated emotional parts that help support me by taking over and doing things for me. Right now though none of that is going on, but still, the behavioral and emotional effects of the trauma still linger and honestly, I think I prefer when the flashbacks and memories and alters come back. Because at least then I have other parts that can take over for me. At least I don’t feel lonely then. I feel so alone right now without them and no matter what I do I can never really be ok because everything terrifies me and my stupid brain just craves to be raped again and it won’t go the fuck away and I hate myself so much. I feel like such a revolting disappointment. It’s like this recently integrated part of me desperately wants it and the other recently integrated part of me is horrified at the first part. It keeps me from actually seeking out the abuse again, and I know I could find it, being a transexual and all. Both of the parts hate each other and because of that I can never ever find peace or harmony in myself. All I want to do is drink and lock myself in my room. I wish Sasha was here so she could comfort me. I wish Rebecca was here so she could go to work for me. Will these depraved cravings ever go away? It hurts so bad