the combination of my rape trauma and addiction and severe autism and dysphoria and unstable relationship is leading me very quickly to suicide

i’ve held the pillars up in my mind for so long with this shit but i’m reaching that point of stress where i can physically feel my heart hurt.

my coping mechanisms exist on a list, the top of the list is “things that make the pain stop and are good for me” and at the very bottom of the list is killing myself.

I go through the list from healthy things all the way down into unhealthy when im stressed, and it’s now reached the point where i’ve utilised everything except extreme self harm, relapsing on very hard drugs, and killing myself.

I feel too squeamish to cut anymore, I don’t really feel a craving for benzos at this moment, killing myself really feels like the good option.

i guess the one good thing is that i only have a few people who give a fuck about me so there’s really only so m uch grief to cause