i went to the same school first through twelfth grade so i was familiar with this guy for most of my life

in 9th grade online learning i started to do a bunch a stuff with him on discord (instead of actually doing important school stuff lmao) and it’s one of the (many) things from that era that i recall the most and i remember finding the most fun

that was also the time i used to make female alt accounts “for the sake of trolling”, one of which i interacted with him with

and then a few months into 10th grade, when we went back in person… it took me a bit to realize it, but yeah, i had a crush on him

it actually became hard to talk to him irl at times, especially because i didn’t even understand why it happened or honestly what it even was at first

like i even had a dream (sleep dream, that is) where i was in a car that he was driving and we were hanging out just like that, and i couldn’t possibly understand why that made me feel so… simultaneously ashamed and satisfied

i think it died down towards the end of HS, but then eventually a good time after i started HRT the yearning has become genuinely insane

like i would’ve said i was “50% no attracted 49% female attracted 1% male attracted” when i was pre HRT… now? “30% no attracted 65% male attracted 5% female attracted”, the explicit male libido is gone (thankfully) and in its place it’s fucking infuriating yearning and want to be with a man

i genuinely can’t believe im saying that “want to be with a man” but i am, holy shit. it’s kinda crazy now that i’m admitting it through text

and now, i still think about him. recently he texted me for some random crap, and i was honestly shocked for a sec until i realized it was just some joke where he pretended to be near me and was nothing more. that was the first time we’ve talked in literally forever

do i still have a crush on him? genuinely probably, when i think about spending the rest of my life and settling down with someone and becoming a wife and getting a husband, it’s always his face

even though his face is literally less masculine than my skullhon face LMAO, i feel like the thing that hurt the most when i was younger was that i knew it would never happen. he’s probably on the more progressive side, like easily top 5 most progressive of the people who i graduated with, i think he’s one of the people who’s least likely to care im a tranny… but that doesn’t mean he’d wanna be with me, why would he? i’m the probably-autistic weirdo guy he had fun with back in school and would be happy to meet up with from time to time again… not a real woman he’d wanna love and spend the rest of his life with

can’t i just get another crush? random people on the street or online are hot, but they aren’t him. fuck my stupid tranny life all this from my delusional emotions acting up + being reflective on my HS life at the same time + genuinely losing my mind completely separately from all that too, three way combo coincidence