Background of all my trans signs over the years, a lot of context(optional): https://tranistan.com/post/20262

Part#1 (Operation Hel)(It had failed): https://tranistan.com/post/47112

This was a character which I extremely strongly idealized and identified with before I had any desires to be a woman. I really considered myself to be this way. I really wanted to adapt his persona, I was obsessed with it. At that time my brain didn’t develop ROGD yet.

Today I watched some Steins;Gate content and reminded myself of the show. I instantly felt how I was feeling back then. I was okay with imagining myself as Okabe Rintaro, I was okay with that identity. I was okay with being masculine. But this only works for a while, for the short time that my head is obsessed with the universe of Steins;Gate. In my day to day life I sadly have to deal with gender dysphoria and the desire to be a woman.

I already said such things in “Operation Hel”. However I’m broadening my theory to account for a variable which I didn’t share. After evaluating more of my memories, it is most likely that my dysphoria started because of another character in that universe called Luka Urushibara. I remember that for some reason I started idealizing this character, it was the catalyst for desiring femininity. Since that point I took up a femboy label. Later I also started identifying with Ayanami Rei. I remember bargaining with the fact that I can’t be trans and a girl because I was male socialized and I have no female friends etc. This later developed into dysohoria, slowly over the course of two years. Around 3-4 months ago I accepted that I’m trans. I saw an old post of mine from 9 months ago which I quote said “I am kind of the same, I feel like being a girl would be deceiving myself but being masculine makes me feel really bad, I wish to look like a woman yet deny feeling like one”.

So the only conclusion that I can make from this data is the fact that this bypass for my gender dysphoria only works temporarily. It is not a treatment for day to day life, but it could be useful for the most dysphoric episodes of all.

Share your thoughts and stories please. Is anyone else such a weird case like I am?