Background of all my trans signs over the years, a lot of context(optional): https://tranistan.com/post/20262

Part#1 (Operation Hel)(It had failed): https://tranistan.com/post/47112

This was a character which I extremely strongly idealized and identified with before I had any desires to be a woman. I really considered myself to be this way. I really wanted to adapt his persona, I was obsessed with it. At that time my brain didn’t develop ROGD yet.

Today I watched some Steins;Gate content and reminded myself of the show. I instantly felt how I was feeling back then. I was okay with imagining myself as Okabe Rintaro, I was okay with that identity. I was okay with being masculine. But this only works for a while, for the short time that my head is obsessed with the universe of Steins;Gate. In my day to day life I sadly have to deal with gender dysphoria and the desire to be a woman.

I already said such things in “Operation Hel”. However I’m broadening my theory to account for a variable which I didn’t share. After evaluating more of my memories, it is most likely that my dysphoria started because of another character in that universe called Luka Urushibara. I remember that for some reason I started idealizing this character, it was the catalyst for desiring femininity. Since that point I took up a femboy label. Later I also started identifying with Ayanami Rei. I remember bargaining with the fact that I can’t be trans and a girl because I was male socialized and I have no female friends etc. This later developed into dysohoria, slowly over the course of two years. Around 3-4 months ago I accepted that I’m trans. I saw an old post of mine from 9 months ago which I quote said “I am kind of the same, I feel like being a girl would be deceiving myself but being masculine makes me feel really bad, I wish to look like a woman yet deny feeling like one”.

So the only conclusion that I can make from this data is the fact that this bypass for my gender dysphoria only works temporarily. It is not a treatment for day to day life, but it could be useful for the most dysphoric episodes of all.

Share your thoughts and stories please. Is anyone else such a weird case like I am?

  • Basedandtrollpilled
    1·
    3 days ago

    I was a great subconscious repper, fuwa. Now that I look back I see so many things I did were influenced by my desire to be a woman deep inside. My desire to have long hair, me wanting to be seen cute, getting jealous over my sister’s earrings, buying my sister clothing I wished I could wear, but since I can’t do that I’m buying it to her instead… Anyways, even before I started to unravel, I’d keep wanting to converse about with my friends about “how do you think you’d be if you were a girl” and such.

    I can’t rep anymore. Dysphoria is ruining me.

    I’m happy you figured it out early.

    • FuwareiOP
      2·
      3 days ago

      What age did you figure it out? For me, mine kinda seems late too… My own sister denied me being trans just cause “I didn’t know earlier”. I really have such a bad memory that remembering what I actually was like in the past is kinda hard. This identity is like a pandora box that can’t be closed.

      • Basedandtrollpilled
        1·
        3 days ago

        I figured it out at… I can’t remember. Must be a few months ago. Probably in November, now that I think about it. I was 21. Now I’m 22.

        Exactly. When you accept yourself as who you are, you can’t delude yourself back. You can see in one of my first posts here, I had a breaking point where I started to consider myself trans, actually one of the first times I’ve felt dysphoria as an emotion in the forefront. This was the start of my conscious repchadding. Here’s the post.

        https://tranistan.com/post/22432

        I’m an enby so mind you my gender is somewhat fluid. Sometimes I’ll feel like a moid and have little to no dysphoria in the forefront of my mind.(I’ll still feel it there though)

        • FuwareiOP
          2·
          3 days ago

          Idk I’m sometimes fluid as well for some reason like with Okabe Rintaro stuff for example. But I feel like I’m much closer to the female binary. If I had to explain it how I feel it, it is like a big part of my brain is female and it is dominating but there’s also a separate part that is male. Those two are in conflict.

          And I saw your post before. This def doesn’t seem like being faketrans or anything. Dysphoria simply happened for an unknown reason and it is irreversible. Same with my case. But a lot of my posts in the past were really in denial and I thought I was faketrans. The only anomaly in dysphoria that I know of, was Sandwich. But his dysohoria just got reflected to the opposite.

  • FuwareiOP
    1·
    3 days ago

    I know that y’all are bored of my posts like this, but to anyone who didn’t read anything like this yet, you should try. I might repost this and make it more clickbaity later cause I’m attention starved.

  • FuwareiOP
    1·
    3 days ago

    Also for context there’s a self-faketrans nuke if anyone didn’t read yet(can change your opinion about me, no covering truth): https://tranistan.com/post/32241

    I just need an arbiter to decide the nature of my identity. I wish I could show a psychologist all of my posts or something.