It kinda just feels like this life is too ruined for me to salvage and get me to a point where I want to be alive.

I’ve been too depressed to put any effort into transition other than upkeep my shots which I keep almost forgetting. Were it not for me typing this up I would of forgot as this literally just reminded me. Moments like that keep happening.

I’m not too optimistic going onward, surgeries are a pipe-dream. And nothing can give me the body or life I could of had. Probably unhealthy to focus on but I cant ignore it. Even if I were to magically wake up looking how I want to tomorrow would I be happy? I don’t know. I’m autistic with severe anxiety, adhd amongst other issues. I have no interest in just doing anything at all, as I’m still a neet at 27 like I’ve said numerous times before. My anhedonia is so strong I cant enjoy anything anymore. Everyday is a fucking slog of misery.

This wasn’t supposed to be my life I feel but it is. Nothing can fix that. Honestly I can’t even bring myself to want to die at times. Just decay in this body that shouldn’t be mine in this life and world I hate.

I was broken prior to this and now with this weight on me I’m even more broke. I really question why I’m bothering at all. I don’t want to carry this weight. It’s too much. Too painful. I miss when I unconscionably repped so bad. I can’t go back though, and Im not stupid enough to drop hrt. Idk.

I honestly just feel unensouled. All I feel is bitterness now.