I took this like a real assignment so I’m doing it a little over an hour before it’s due, lol.

I guess my main hangup here is that I view being a woman as kind of an impossibility. I feel as though I’m totally and obviously male, I’m not sure that I’ve even reached positive androgeny yet. This is partially a standard I don’t hold others to, since I generally view hons as women in some way, but I’m not sure I want to emulate them. Coming out would require me, at least, to shave every day, change my wardrobe, and most importantly run around telling everyone. I’d say I’m too lazy and cowardly to do that, but I honestly I haven’t even bothered to think about it much. I’ve kind of protected myself from even having to put up the mental blocks for that.

If I had to guess, the part I least want to do is tell people. I feel very much that I’m more invested in having a feminine appearance than being referred to in a particular way. For example, I would not take much issue if I were a cis woman who everyone mysteriously referred to as he/him. Whereas, telling people doesn’t change my body, but does push people into, if nothing else, they/themming me. This, funnily enough, is one of the few things about this I’ve thought about & actively feared, since I feel like by coming out I would be coercing everyone around me into a polite lie, because they/them, let alone she/anything seems inaccurate.

At the same time, I’ve kinda opened pandora’s box about this trans stuff. I want to stay with my imperfect but familiar existence as a cis man, but even if I were to go off HRT I wouldn’t exactly be normal on the inside. It’s changed the way I look at the world, and keeping that secret increasingly feels like it weighs on me and puts distance between me and others. So, I suppose I’ll try to deconstruct some of this stuff to prepare for coming out, if only because I’m suggestible, lol.